Waaajaja... God woke up!

In spanish class, the teacher is reading us a book, and it keeps reiterating that when someone really wants something and its meant to be, the rest of the world conspires to help. it must be true, that, or god woke up. God gave me a gift, and I have used it. and I love it.

Thank you world, thank you god, thank you friends who care enough to tell me not to anyway...

Oh. The warmth. The warmth from the inside out. The Fuzzy delciousness that envelops me.

Now for some Dandy Warhols, and deep deep dreams.

<3

BE PREPARED

So, last night after volunteering muh ass off and putting a temporary tatt on some ladies boob, I went to Merritt's with Konstantin. Some old folk from college showed up, namely the stupid fat hobbit, who is not so stupid and fat anymore, and his girlfriend. His girlfriend just glared at me after we went to the jukebox to choose some classy toons, like "Wank me, Crank me". Then Yuri and Fedya showed up and it made me feel awkward.

Later, Fedya ended up driving Yuri and I to the little mormon squirrel's house, Yuri's college aged woman was there, and it was nice to see her. But i accidentally swore loudly, and decided it was time to leave...

I miss college people. Especially Katinka.

The Biggest Guilt Trip Ever

Sooo then, I'm pretty much amoung some of the most horrid people ever. I still feel guilty about the Katinka/Fedya thing. Saturday I got over it a bit, but since then, I've thought more and the guilt again increases.

For example, He says things that Katinka used to say. He quotes Cat and Girl, and says the little thing about putting the Emphasis on the wrong syllable etc. Then of course, the music. While listening to EMO CD # 3 again last night I realized that a lot of the songs were familiar... They are also on the Fedya CD. I really can't compete with pretentious music. They are too perfect for each other.

Now of course things have grown awkward. I mentioned Club Lamprey, and it went like this:

Aleksandra: Yeaaaah, Club Lamprey is my favourite group on Facebook
Fedya:(with a huge smile) Once in Biology Katinka and I *checks enthusiasm trying to appear like it wasn't actually that amusing while giving me a scared look* and well... um, we talked about a horror movie about Lamprey... I guess that's not very interesting.

UFFFF seriously!!! Its not a big deal to tell me about some Katinka anecdote, there is nothing wrong with that! I can handle myself! I <3 Katinka.

Anyhow, another factor that comes into play with my guilt, is that I feel like I was too forceful. Its as if I placed the idea in Fedya's head with the Weekley thing. Katinka on the other hand won him over just by being herself, through constant biology onda. Uff. yeah ok. I'm done

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Pumpkin Stealers and D's B-Day

Soooo... Mr. Seasonal Disguise and I hung out yesterday afternoon. We I planned to make him watch an entire episode of Arthur, but we wound up watching Smoke Signals and stealing pumpkins. No worries, we only stole from the rich and gave to the poor, we were the Robin Hood's of the pumpkin world. He also introduced me to pretentious music, so I could hold my own against certain purveyors of pretentiousness. We ended up leaving a pumpkin on Fedya's car, which we found through some expertise stalking means. You see, it wasn't at his house, so we started from zero, and actually found his car. It was made a bit easier by a lovely flower hanging down from the rear view mirror. We left the pumpkin with a note that said, "I am watching you... not really... P.S. Im listening to Pavement,"

To my suprise, this morning their was a message on the phone saying, " Stalkers are hot, and by the way, Im listening to the Silver Jews." Mr. S.D. warned me that if Fedya knew of Silver Jews, he could possibly by a scene boy. *gasp*

Then my mum beckoned me to the front door, where a can of Schweppes Ginger Ale, and a note in Russian (but thoughtfully translated) had been placed. Nothing makes me laugh harder than that.

OI! and HAPPY BIRTHDAY DOSTOEVSKY!!! Yeaaaah. My mummy loves me so much that she bought me a bottle of nice Russian Vodka, after she had threatened to only buy me a small sample size of cheap swedish Vodka. Oh what a dear :D... Dostoevsky's birthday does call for the best however.

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Weight sensitivity.

What girl hasn't had a body image issue? What guy hasn't had a body image issue? We are visual animals lets face it. The more I dwell on it though, the more I feel too big. I had to measure my waist to find my size when I was ordering a dress from a catalog... The verdict: size 5/6. WHAT!?!? I want to know what happened to the petite me, the one that fit into little sizes, and didn't have love handles and big thighs and and a pouchy stomach and a rounded face.

Is it too much to ask to have a BMI lower than that of your guys friends? What girl wants to be bigger than a guy? What girl wants to crush a guy when he tries to pick her up or sits her in his lap? What girl wants to feel like a giant along side a guy?

The Victoria's Secret winter catalog came. Gisele is on the cover... All 5'7 and 120 pounds of her or is she 5'9, I can never remember. Thank you capitalist American for disillusionment.

The result? I feel like I ate too much today, and by too much I mean a piece of toast, a slice of carrot cake, an apple, and some corn bread. I shouldn't have touched the carrot cake, or the corn bread. I still have Chilean weight that needs to go. Acht, I hate how bad I am at self control and how much I love to eat.

Goal: Pre-Chile weight, pounds to go 5. 5 little pounds between discontent and happiness.

<3

Twitching

Acht. So, yesterday while raking leaves my Prom date from junior year showed up with his college roomate to say hi. He has changed infinitly. Instead of the haircut he had since 2nd grade, he had let it grow out rather more stylishly. Its odd what time does to people.

And. Fedya and I... Well, I suppose we are "going out". I hate labeling something like that. All I know is that he hugs very well, and that he is infinitely too good for me. I feel like I don't deserve this, but I really am grateful for a chance. I feel very happy with him, and normal.

I've been so well balanced for such a long time, and by long time I mean since I got back from Chile. I haven't cried nearly as much as I did during my exchange, or even before. I feel happy. I have more energy than I ever did before, and it's quite fabulous!! The only thing that worries me, is that little twitch that comes from my "heart of darkness" (excuse my AP english allusion), that is never quite satisfied with who I am. Ufff, damn twitch, damn body image, damn it all. But I'm ok.

I miss Katinka. Argh.

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